But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand; Deliver me from the hand of my enemies, And from those who persecute me. (Psalm 31:15)
I woke up this morning to an email notification that some groceries I had ordered were out for delivery. I though this was a little weird, being a Friday an all. This grocery delivery is an automatic one that happens every Saturday, typically. I got up, made coffee, puddled around in my jammies and stopped and surfed social media for about 45 minutes, and then it dawned on me: It IS Saturday. These groceries are SUPPOSED to be delivered today. Go figure. Apparently I’m in that weird time of year, in between Christmas and New Year where life kind of floats along in this amorphous haze of too much chocolate and not enough productive scheduling.
I’m not a fan of this. Another reason I think retirement is out of the question for me right now. I have to talk myself into not setting a ton of goals and operating on the same ‘go-go-go’ schedule that I prefer. I find myself having to say, at 4:30am, that I don’t NEED to get up and start researching next weeks sermon, or sending off emails, or reading the next relevant article on Contextual Theology; and that its perfectly fine and important to go back to sleep for another couple of hours. This morning, I made it until 7:15.
Time.
I’m so driven by time.
Mostly, I’m driven by not having enough time. Especially these days with my mobility issues slowing me down every time I turn around. Yesterday I had gone to Kingston to visit my Dad, and everywhere I went there was no parking – even at the Long-term Care facility where my Dad lives. I was so irritated and then irritated that I was irritated. It made for a fairly cranky Lynne until Emily gently reminded me that I have a tendency to get ‘hangry’, I probably needed to get some lunch, and that she was perfectly capable of dropping me off at any door and then parking at a distance for me, or circling the block until I was ready to come out.
My ‘time’ orientation held me a little captive though. I didn’t think we HAD the time for lunch, or the time for her to drop me at doors and then go searching for parking, or even the time for me to haul myself in to where I needed to be with my crutches and my sore body. I had things to do and places to go.
But actually, I didn’t. These ideas of where I should be spending my time and my energy, what things I should be able to do, and exactly how quickly and efficiently I should be doing them, are all of my own making. I feel validated when I meet and exceed deadlines; when I produce more than others in the same amount of time; when I finish tasks and jobs within a ‘timely’ manner. You know that old saying “If you need something done, ask a busy person”? That’s me – I’m that busy person. And trust me, I want to be asked. The only person who knew I had a list of task to accomplish in Kingston was me. No one else. Not even Emily who came with me. It was my own framework keeping me captive and making me cranky.
So, I’m thinking today that maybe, as I go into my ‘time’ of Restorative Care, that I need to change some of the ways I consider my time, and how driven I am by time and schedules. Because, the bottom line is thatLetting go of my self-imposed deadlines and schedules is scary for me. Because I validate myself so much by them. But its ‘time’ I believe, for me to rethink my worthiness, and realize that I really need to:
Trust.
Trust that God sees me differently. Trust that God considers me worthy without timelines. Trust that I am more than the multiple things I accomplish; am more than the deadlines I meet and exceed or the jobs I get done. Trust and believe that my time, and who I am, really is in God’s hands. And trust that God will delivery me from the deadlines and the captivity to them that I have imposed on myself.
Who knows – maybe it’ll mean I’ll sleep in past 6:30am one of these days. I may not get as much done. But maybe that’s o.k.
Blessings today, and remember you are Loved.
~Rev. Lynne 
I so relate to your comments. Even after so many years of retirement from a very busy life in education and then several years of feeling responsible for Doug although he was under excellent care I still feel guilty if I don’t busy myself with something “constructive”. I guess I feel that my self worth is in doing not in being. I am slowly learning to stop and enjoy the quiet and I still read a great deal. Thanks for the reflections ND the blogs. I am so happy you call your time reflections and not sermons. The term “sermons” always made me feel that we were inadequate and needed to improve ourselves.
Breathe.
Oh, and HUG a lot.
Retirement does not mean you slow down it just changes your focus for those of us who are always chasing the clock. I was less busy at work because it was all routine but after 13 years of retirement I am running more then ever but now I have the ability to schedule health activities daily.
I so relate to that.
I feel I’ve hit a point that I needed to realign my priorities. By doing so, my daily routine has changed. I don’t immediately say yes to an ask, I try to put the ask in perspective of my priorities.